Children No More-ARC Page 16

  "I don't know," I said. I shook my head slowly. "I really don't know."

  "Yes," he said, "you do. We're staying. For some reason I don't understand, every now and again, with decisions that are particularly emotional for you, you waste a great deal of time denying conclusions you've already reached."

  I opened my mouth to argue with him, but I couldn't. He was right. Some choices were so hard that even after I'd made them I had trouble accepting them. I hated it, despised that inefficiency and weakness in myself, but he was right that it existed.

  "You're correct," I finally said, "and I'm sorry. I suppose some part of me needs time to process difficult decisions."

  "You're not alone in that behavior," Lobo said. "I've noticed it in other humans. It does seem terribly inefficient."

  I opened my eyes and smiled. "It is. I suppose you never act that way."

  "Never," Lobo said, but with no trace of smugness. "Some conclusions require a great deal of thought to reach, but once I arrive at them, I act—unless, of course, you persuade me to do otherwise."

  "Aren't you glad when I do?"

  "If by 'glad' you mean do I sometimes believe you made a better choice? Yes. Sometimes—but not all the time."

  "But without me you would have acted on your original decision?"

  "Yes, of course, as I just said."

  "Even if the actions you've decided to take hurt, damage you or someone else, bring you to emotional places you don't want to visit."

  "Yes," he said, "even then. Such decisions always come at a cost, no matter when or how you make them. Sometimes we have to make choices that will hurt us. The good news is that pain is just pain; you know that."

  I nodded. "I do, but that doesn't mean I have to like it."

  "Since when does liking matter when the stakes are high?"

  "Never," I said. Benny had taught me that, many years ago on Dump, and I'd learned the lesson over and over again since then.

  "So what are we going to do?" Lobo said.

  "I'm not exactly sure," I said, "except that it involves something we never do at the end of a mission: staying." My shoulders and neck were tight with tension. I stretched them as I said, "I need to talk with Lim."

  "I'll get her on the comm," Lobo said.

  "No." I headed for the side hatch. "I need to do this in person."

  "What do you mean, I can't see her?" I tried to keep my voice level, but the strain was evident.

  "She's in a link with one of the teams that hasn't arrived yet," the man, Long, said.

  "First, you're her messenger, and now you're her bodyguard. What exactly is it that you do?"

  "Whatever she wants," he said. He gave me a hard look. He was as wound up as I was. He took a deep breath, stayed where he was, and spoke again. "She's the CO here. You know that. You've served. You understand how it works. Why are you pushing me?"

  I stepped back and held up my hands. "You're right. I'm sorry. I thought I was heading out. It was time, and I was ready to go, but I couldn't. I don't want to leave now. I want to stay and help."

  The door behind him opened. Lim stepped into view.

  "Thanks, Chris. I'll talk to him. Let him in."

  "Yes, Sir," he said.

  "We're done with that, Chris. We're a civilian organization now, here to help the boys. The sooner we behave that way, the better models we'll be for them."

  "I'll try," he said.

  Lim went back into the small building without waiting for me.

  Long stepped out of the doorway. "Good luck," he said. "We can use all the help we can get."

  "Thanks." I entered the room.

  Lim sat behind a small desk about three meters in front of me. "Close it," she said. When I had, she continued. "So you want to stay. That's nice, but we're done with the fighting."

  "I know, but I'd still like to help."

  "Why?"

  No breeze made it through the two barely open tiny windows. The air inside here was still and stifling, and I couldn't seem to fill my longs.

  It didn't seem to bother Lim.

  "I'm not entirely sure," I said. "I guess some of the boys got to me." Lim knew nothing of my past beyond our years together in the Saw and the one other mission on which she'd helped me. I preferred to keep it that way, but I also wanted to make her understand that this was important to me. "I have some sense of what they're going through."

  She leaned back and spread her hands. "We all do, every single one of us who's served. That's not enough, though, not by a long shot. Reintegration is hard, very hard, and part of the job is modeling the behaviors we want the children to learn. To help, you need training and a great deal of self-control. You don't have the training, and from what I've seen, you could do with some work on the control front."

  If you only knew, I thought but did not say. I've never fully lost my temper. I don't even know the limits of the damage my nanomachines could do if I surrendered to rage and ordered them to decompose everything they encountered. From what Benny did to the Aggro station, though, I suspected the planet I was on would vanish before they were finished.

  I couldn't explain that to her, though.

  "Incoming ship," Lobo said over the comm. "It's government, and it's coming fast. Should I defend?"

  "You have visitors," I said, "a government ship. Should we let it land?"

  She nodded, sighed, and stood. "I knew they'd want to meet. I hoped they'd give us a day. I should have known better. Bureaucrats."

  "Leave it alone," I whispered to Lobo.

  Lim headed for the door. "We'll have to continue this when I'm back." As she stepped outside, she said, "On second thought, before you become too committed to the notion of staying, would you like to see part of what we're up against?"

  "Sure," I said. If Lim viewed any people in the government as potential opponents, I wanted to know them. Knowledge of your enemies can save your life.

  "Okay," she said. I thought I spotted the beginnings of smile before she added, "Come with me."

  They insisted we meet in their ship. Typical: Bureaucrats love to play power games.

  As I approached it, I said over the machine frequency to Lobo, "Can you scan it and monitor me?"

  "Yes," he said. "It's old enough that I could take control of it without it even knowing. If you'd like it cooler in there, just let me know."

  I chuckled. Lim gave me an odd look; I shrugged in return. I turned slightly away from her as I said, "I don't expect to be there long. Just keep an eye on me. Out."

  A woman in dress uniform barred the doorway. Anyone who made their guard detail put on formal wear in weather like this was stupid, insecure, showing off, or all three.

  "Let them in," a male voice said from inside.

  The guard stepped aside, and we entered.

  "Sorry he made you wear that," I whispered as I drew even with her.

  She didn't respond, probably couldn't risk saying anything, but she also didn't hit me. Given how much I'd pissed off Long and annoyed Lim, I decided to count that as a personal communication win.

  No doubt the man inside played well to the Tumani population, but he would never have gotten respect from his fashion-hip counterparts in either the EC or the FC. A little taller than Lim, almost as broad as I am, and very heavily muscled, he sported scars that stood out all over his almost night-black skin like lines of insects. Because it was Tumani, I could easily believe he had come by the damage honestly, but no serious executive, government or corporate, in any more developed world would have kept the scars. The power style these days was sleek and clean and smooth.

  "Ms. Lim," he said, motioning her to a chair.

  "Senator Wylak," she said. She nodded her head low enough that she might have been bowing. She sat.

  "And your friend is?" he said.

  She waved her hand dismissively. "One of my staff."

  He hadn't offered me a seat, and her comment told me the role I was now playing, so I stayed standing.

  "Are you sure
?" he said. "We normally—"

  "But of course, Senator," she said. "I apologize for the change in protocol. Had I not been awake for a day and a half straight, I would be here alone. But I have been without sleep for all of that time. I fear that until I rest I might forget some vital instruction of yours, so because we cannot record our discussions, I—" she finished by pointing to me.

  "Very well," he said. He pointed to another chair, one a bit behind hers, but otherwise didn't acknowledge my presence.

  I sat.

  "Something to drink?" he said.

  "You're very kind," she said, "but I only now finished an early lunch."

  "To the matters at hand then," he said, "so that you may get your rest." He leaned back in his chair. "You've done very well. We are all quite impressed."

  "Thank you. It would not have been possible without your support."

  He nodded ever so slightly, the fact so obviously true that it scarcely required an acknowledgment. "We are also moving two units into the surrounding jungle, as we discussed. They will remain there for your protection."

  "And to kill any rebels foolish enough to return to this very valuable base."

  "And that," he said. "The best missions accomplish multiple objectives." He cleared his throat. "This support is, of course, expensive, and it diverts resources from the main fronts."

  "Which makes us doubly grateful for your help," she said. She straightened and leaned slightly toward him.

  "We all appreciate your gratitude," he said. "Some of my more short-sighted colleagues, however, have already begun to push for a fixed departure date for our resources—and for the date at which these boys will be safe to return to their homes or to place with foster families."

  Anger flitted across Lim's face, but she composed herself. "As we've discussed from the beginning, until we've spent a few weeks with the boys, we cannot even begin to grasp the extent of the programming we'll be fighting. I've always warned that this process was likely to require many months."

  "And your—" he paused as if searching for something he could not recall "—private sponsors are willing to fund such a long effort?"

  "Completely," she said. "They are as dedicated to this important work as the government of Tumani."

  He allowed himself a smile at that tactic. "Excellent. That is very good to hear, and I will certainly relay that commitment to my colleagues." He leaned forward. "Some of them may, I fear, still push for as rapid a conclusion as possible. We are, after all, a poor planet and one fighting an unfortunate civil war. Trade-offs and costs must always be weighed."

  This time, Lim sat so far forward she was barely on her chair. When she spoke, her battle for self-control was evident in the shakiness of her voice. "These are children," she said, "your children, Tumani children, not factors to be computed by some economic equation."

  He smiled again, but there was no warmth in the expression. "No world loves its children more than Tumani," he said, "but few worlds must struggle so hard to survive and grow. When we act, we must be sure we are acting in the best interest of all. We remain committed to saving these children. I came here today simply to do you the courtesy of exposing you to the full range of discussions some of my colleagues are holding."

  Lim looked at the floor and rubbed her face with her hands. When she faced Wylak again, her fatigue was obvious for the first time since we'd entered the ship. She'd exhibited such control earlier that I couldn't tell whether she was showing how tired she really felt or simply acting the part because doing so might advance her cause. "I must apologize, sir. As I mentioned at the outset, I have gone a very long time without sleep. I greatly appreciate your effort in coming here and your willingness to share with me. I know no one could care more about these children than you. I can assure you that we will do everything in our power to accelerate the reintegration process."

  He nodded and stood. "We all appreciate your efforts."

  Lim took the cue and also got up, so I followed suit.

  "I look forward to seeing you again soon," he said. "And now, with your permission . . . ." Without waiting even a second, he turned and headed toward a door along the rear wall.

  Lim led me out and walked so quickly away that I had no time to say anything else to the guard, whose face was now soaked with sweat. Lim didn't speak again until we were halfway back to her command building and the ship was taking off behind us.

  "Did you hear that?" she said. "What an officious, back-stabbing jerk."

  "I take it he screwed you on time."

  "Oh, yeah," she said. "He promised me support for as long as we needed it. I never counted on that, of course, but I did expect at least a few months before the pressure began." She signed. "I was being naïve. I'm going to have to spend more energy managing that relationship."

  "Do you really think that will be enough?"

  She stopped and faced me. "It'll have to be." She waved her hand slowly to take in the entire complex. "In case you haven't noticed it, we have over five hundred boys to reintegrate into the world. We can't just walk away."

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment. Lim had been right; in the face of any aggression at all, my self-control definitely needed work. Finally, I looked at her, held up my hands, and backed up a step. When I spoke, I did my best to keep my tone level and neutral. "Yes, I have noticed, which is why I came to you to volunteer to help. I wasn't proposing you—we—walk away. I was only suggesting that managing Wylak and his cronies might not work and that we should consider getting a backup plan in place."

  "A backup plan?" she said. "You think I haven't considered that? The problem is, the government won't let us take five hundred of its citizens, children or not, off Tumani, and there's nowhere else on this world for them to go. Even if we could fly them off-planet, we'd need time and money to set up a suitable facility to receive them." She shook her head. "No, Jon, this is it. This is what we have. We must make these kids ready for normal lives, and now we almost certainly must do so faster than we'd planned."

  Of course she'd considered her options; I hadn't meant to imply she had not. I was suggesting only that it might be time to do so again, but there was clearly no point in pursuing this topic further with her. I needed to focus on the reason I'd come to her in the first place: staying. "You can use any help you can get, including mine."

  She sighed. "I told you, Jon: You don't have the training for this. I'm sorry. I really am. I have to get back to work." She turned to go.

  "Put me to work doing anything," I said. "Let me learn by observing. In the meantime, I'll take guard duty or cook or clean or do whatever you need. I've spent plenty of time as a Private; I have lots of experience with crappy details."

  She faced me again. "You're serious."

  I nodded. "Absolutely."

  "Why?"

  Because I've been one of these kids. Because I understand them better than you do. Because no one's ever shown me how to live in this world. I considered all of those answers, but I finally went with the only one I was sure was both correct and something I was willing for her to hear. "I don't know," I said. "Something about these boys gets to me, so I want to help them."

  She studied me for several seconds before she said, "If I do this, I'll assign you to Schmidt. You'll do what she says, when she says it, and how she says it. You won't interfere in any aspect of the reintegration, and you'll stick to the scut work we give you."

  "Okay," I said, "until you say otherwise."

  After a few more seconds, she nodded her head. "All right. You can stay. The team leads are meeting later this afternoon in my command building. After sunset, they'll gather with their groups. You'll join Schmidt's staff. Location will be on your comm."

  She turned and walked away. As she was going, over her shoulder, she added, "Get some sleep. It's going to be a long night."

  Chapter 32

  In the former rebel complex, planet Tumani

  Lobo waited until I was inside him and he'd shut t
he hatch before he let me have it.

  "So we're definitely staying?"

  "You're always chiding me for asking questions I know the answers to. Why are you doing it now? You heard everything I said."

  "Of course I did. I simply wasn't sure whether to believe my audio sensors. Perhaps you were running some con you hadn't chosen to explain to me. It could happen. It has happened."

  "There's no con," I said. "I simply want to help."

  "By cleaning barracks? Walking a guard's route? If you want to do some good in the universe, I can think of many more useful jobs than those."

  I stretched out on the cot in my quarters. "Maybe, but those boys are here, and they can use my help."

  "You won't be helping them," he said. "You'll be doing scut work for Schmidt. Alissa made it very clear: You don't get to work with the boys."

  "Then I'll help Schmidt and hope that helps the children!" I sat and rubbed my head in frustration. "Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I'll never get to do more here than clean up floors. Maybe I'll be ready to leave within a week. I don't know. I don't know much about any of this, but I am sure that preparing these boys for civilian life—for being kids again—will be incredibly hard. If I can help with that effort, I will." I stood and paced back and forth in the small room. "We train them to fight, and when the fighting is over, we either send them somewhere else to fight again or abandon them to find their own way. They don't have the first idea about how to live normal lives. They don't even remember what normal was."

  Lobo stayed silent for several seconds.

  I kept pacing.

  "This is clearly very important to you," he finally said.

  "Yes."

  "Can you say why?" Before I could answer, he continued. "I mean that question literally: Do you know your motivation and could you explain it, or is it a compulsion you don't understand?"

  I stopped moving and considered his question. "A little of both. I understand part of what's driving me, but another part is pure emotional impulse."